In the episode of The Simpsons where Homer ends up crash landing into bed with Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger, the world’s favourite safety inspector was after being in a parachute pulled behind a jetski.
When the contraption reached its peak height, Homer reckoned he was “Like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft”. Similar feelings currently abide regarding the shambles Manchester United have become. Difference being that while ‘The Pieman’ looked graceful in flight – yes, really – United currently resemble the ‘Cat Lady’ sitting on an armchair caught up in a tornado.
It will be openly admitted that little or nothing is known about Erik ten Hag. He seems to come fairly highly recommended, but I remain convinced the problems which has turned one of the greatest sporting institutions in the world into an under performing laughing stock are not in the dugout.
David Moyes didn’t get enough time, Louis Van Gaal was disgracefully shafted after winning a trophy, ditto Jose Mourinho (x3). Most recently, they certainly haven’t gained anything by the defenestration of Ole Gunnar Solksjaer.
It is indisputably the fact that United have got worse since the former forward was let go. That is not a reflection on Ralf Rangnack however. The bespeckled boss was on a hiding to nothing from the time he took the job.
Firstly because, with the considerable exception of Cristiano Ronaldo, he is basically working with the same players previous managers have had. Secondly, however, due to the fact that he was only appointed on an interim basis.
So the German could hardly have seen it worth his while to put any long term plans in place if it was certain that he wouldn’t be in the dugout next season. Aside from the uncertainty for the man himself, there’s no surer way to fracture a dressing room. Are players really going to put it in for a manager that’s not going to be there?
Now, in another bizarre twist commensurate with the chaos which has constrained the club since Sir Alex Ferguson stepped down nine years ago, it appears the stand-in gaffer will be kept on in some capacity or other to work with ten Hag.
The latter’s standing in coaching circles was obviously well earned. Furthermore, it would be quite difficult to disagree with the Dutch man’s scathing appraisal of the current state of affairs at what was once the Theatre Of Dreams.
Nor could there be much quibble with his observation that the squad needs serious surgery. To the extent that you have to wonder who – of the current squad – would be left by the time ten Hag has finished his cull.
What is a little bit disconcerting, mind you, is (a) that the incoming manager has already indicated his intention to cut Ronaldo loose and (b) that the Brains Trust have apparently refused to sanction the addition of Steve McLaren to his backroom team.
Jettisoning Ronaldo looks a particularly asinine idea. Yes he’s 37, but he has been the only bright spark in an otherwise abject and embarrassing season. If LeBron James can still be functional – to put it extremely mildly – in the frenetic madness of NBA at the same age, surely there is some system to which United could play to accommodate him.
Right, so the offside rule was presumably designed to eliminate ‘hatching’ from football. That is to say standing in on top of the opposing ‘keeper and hardly moving. Still, I wouldn’t give a damn if he sat in an armchair and only got up to stick the ball in the net.
Of all the surgery the United line up so obviously needs, it’s hard to know where ten Hag can or will begin. One is almost inclined to feel sorry for Harry Maguire at this stage. Was he worth the insane money paid to Leicester City for his services? Absolutely not. However, it’s as plain as the nose on your face that the man’s confidence has been decimated. The shambolic farce ensuing around him on an ongoing basis at club level can’t be helping in that regard either.
It would be far easier to identify those who should be shown the gate comparative to who should replace them. Including but not limited to Luke Shaw, Jesse Lingard, Nemenja Matic, Marcus Rashford and possibly even Maguire if a suitable replacement could be recruited.
Arsenal’s Gabriel would be one well worth a look. Albeit even if United were scouting him, you can be sure other entities are also. And let’s face it, from any player’s perspective, United aren’t exactly the most attractive tourist destination at present.
It stands as a woeful indictment of the under performance of the Manchester United players and the unforgivable mismanagement of the club by the Glazers and their lacky Ed Woodward that this season could be called over from a long way out.
Things can only get better, surely?
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